If you wish to know why marriages burst apart, and what it appears like when they do, speak to a divorce attorney. Better yet, browse a publication by a divorce attorney about why individuals divorce.
Through the span of our discussion, I asked Sexton why individuals end up in his office, what information he has for men and women having difficulties in their marriages, why he calls Facebook an “infidelity-generating machine,” and exactly why he’s still a romantic after all these years.
What are the most common reasons men and women end up in your office?
They come in for large reasons such as infidelity or financial improprieties. However from my viewpoint, these large reasons have their beginnings in a succession of lesser decisions that individuals make that bring them further and further away from each other, so much that those small issues no longer feel quite so small. Everybody, when they get married, starts off with the exact same destination in mind. People wish to reside cheerfully ever after. No person ever gets married with the intention of getting separated.
In Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of the Vanities one of the characters is chatting about how he went financially bankrupt and one of the other characters states, “Tim, how did you go bankrupt?” He mentioned, “Well, my partner and I went bankrupt the way that everyone does, fairly gradually and then all at once.” I think that is how marriages stop. Very gradually and then all at once. There are lots of little things that take place and then the overflow comes, then the huge issues happen. The question is, can we end the little items that take us further away from each other prior to it’s too late?
What’s your advice to people who are thinking about getting married?
Take it seriously. The most basic information that I give to individuals is to look at it just like the purchase of a vehicle, simply because I think, occasionally, people give more thought to the purchase of a vehicle than they do to the determination to get wedded.
If I mentioned to the typical person, “What vehicle do you want? If you could posses whatever vehicle in the globe, exactly what vehicle do you want?” Most individuals might say, “I want a Lamborghini. I want a Ferrari.” But if I mentioned to them, “Well, this vehicle that you select is going to be the only car you can posses for the rest of your life,” you get to change the analysis, right? Simply because the car you want in your 20s and the car you desire in your 30s when you’ve got a couple of children is extremely different.
So you’d have to accept something that fits each part of your existence. You’d have to choose something that was kind of enjoyable and sexy enough to see you throughout your 20s but useful enough to handle when you have children. I think it’s the exact same when choosing a spouse.
At the danger of appearing unromantic, I think you have to look at a person and say, “Okay, is this a person who is going to make sense at all various phases of this process? Simply because my personal life is supposed to change. I’m supposed to change. What’s important to me is supposed to change. Is this a person who can improve with me so that we end up [moving] in the exact same direction? Or is this somebody who makes good sense for me at this phase and might not in the forthcoming future?”
That is the first thing. The second option is to ask your self the question: “What is the challenge to which matrimony may be the solution for me?” Anytime someone tries to market something to me, regardless of whether it’s a cellular phone or a new application, I ask myself, “What is the problem this is seeking to solve?” So, if you say to me personally, “Oh, I’ve got this application that helps you order guacamole online,” well, is that a problem my partner and I actually posses? I think individuals often presume marriage is a smart option to do without having even asking themselves this question.